So, we’ll crawl ‘til we can walk again.
So, okay.
I had this very extravagant post typed out describing a current change of events; a current change of mind, but, that was so conveniently deleted. Now, I’m left with zero drive to recreate it, so, I’m just going to be straight forward; something I am less than familiar with.
I have been denying myself of a lot, lately. I cannot tell you how imprisoned I feel inside of my mind. I’m constantly trying to get out, but all of my insecurities and fears hold me captive inside of the smallest prison cell. “What will they think if I do that?”; “Everyone will think that’s stupid…” On, and on, and on… Invasive thoughts clutter my mind to the point of borderline insanity. How safe can I really feel when it’s myself that is my number one enemy? I just want to be set free…
Then I realized, I’m focusing all of my energy on the wrong things; the wrong ideas… the wrong people. I have forgotten that when I’m on the right track, the things I need find a way of gravitating towards me. I just haven’t been on the right track for a while, now… and, that’s no one’s fault but mine. This thing isn’t as complicated as I’ve been making it out to be and I’m not as complicated as I make myself seem. I just need something. There is a void inside of me that I just can’t seem to fill. I’d thought that I needed to fill it with a thing, or a person, but I just need to love myself. The only thing wrong with me is the fact that I can’t be accepted because I don’t accept myself. Who wants to accept someone who is constantly assuring you of how horrible they are? I can’t be loved if I don’t love myself… everyone tells you that, but, I guess it takes a time like this to understand it.
This isn’t the person I want to be. I want to be strong and go out and get what I want. I don’t want to be someone who can’t admit what she wants so, she just pretends to not be able to figure herself out. I want to have the confidence to believe the positive things people say about me… and brush off the negativity. I want to say what I mean and not be afraid of the reactions. I want to do things without holding back. I do not want to over analyze every situation that I am put into. I just want to grow up.
So, with that said, I am finally going to pick myself up, dust myself off, and get what I want. Everything I want. Everything… even you.
Okay, I’m done.
p.s… maybe I should change my blog name to, “Midday Rights and Midnight Wrongs” because the day and the night make all of the difference…
