I don’t know what I need but I need it now.
I feel so different all of the time… does everyone feel that way? Sometimes, I just wish I could spill everything out to someone…. anyone….. I can’t picture myself ever feeling that safe. What will people think? I always feel attacked by thoughts… no matter what is being said. Do people ever say what they really think? I’m too paranoid to believe the answer is yes. Maybe it’s wrong to think everyone has something they don’t want to say to you, but I don’t say a lot of things and I’ve learned that we aren’t as different as we think, generally. But, maybe I just can’t express myself like everyone else.
Confusion.
Sometimes, I feel like I don’t believe in anything. I can see too many possibilities in the world to hold a firm belief in most things. Does that make me more understanding or just fickle? Maybe I just don’t have my own identity at all? I’m going through an identity crisis constantly. The person I want to be right now, will be the person I despise five minutes from now. I’m always doing things in spite of something else… that’s really no way to change yourself, is it?
I’m way too proud to say these things aloud; I want to seem okay. But, I need something to make me feel okay with being this messed up. I want someone to try to understand. Someone to take my insecurities and flaws as a part of me, and not as the definition. Someone to treat me differently… because I am different. Very different.
This is probably why I’m plagued with such abnormal dreams… these things need to be released somewhere.
