15 Day Challenge - Day 15
1 Thing I Need To Say
( Yeah, this is late… but, I wanted to be level headed and honest when I wrote this one.)
I’m always curious to know what people think about me… how they perceive me and what not, but really, I know who I am and who I want to be. I feel like I come off as a million different people, but every personality is mine. That sounds extremely insane, but I can’t explain it in any other way. I can be really happy and I can be really sad; I can be confident in myself and completely insecure; I can be obnoxiously out going and then afraid to talk to anyone… I can be calm and nonchalant and then over dramatic and irrational… it all depends on the time of day; that’s how truly unstable I am.
I don’t like to show my emotions because most of the ones I feel, I think, make me look weak. I act like I could care less about the things that matter most because I don’t want anyone to know how much I’m hurting when it falls through. I’m a very welcoming person, but I don’t know how to keep friends. I’m not lonely, and that’s probably the most ironic part of me because I am. I don’t need people, but I’m so unhappy without someone there. I don’t make sense one hundred percent of the time and that’s a fact.
I don’t need much from people; I’ve learned to not depend on people for happiness. It’s hard for me to believe people are sincere when it comes to me… not because I’ve been hurt so many times, just because I’ve always felt so different. Not even misunderstood…. just, like, on the outside looking in. Like, life is a movie and I’m just watching. Everyone is in color and I’m interested in them, but I’m just black and white and irrelevant.
Sometimes, I can’t sleep because I have a million thoughts running through my mind and I’m always chasing after something that I know I can’t catch, but I wouldn’t wish to be someone else. I know I’m this way for a reason and I’m always getting closer and closer to accepting that. It’s hard keeping up with the illogical logic that is always racing through my brain. My heart makes my mouth clumsy; it controls more of me than I’d ever confess, but I always get by. And, I don’t have very many talents, but I’m passionate about the world… and all of the art in it, people included. So many things are truly beautiful to me… even things I can’t see, like feelings… and sounds… and, sometimes, they overwhelm me. Despite what I’ve been through, I will always forgive people… I could never believe people cannot change because I’ve seen major transformations first hand. I will never forget what I’ve learned from the places I’ve been, though. I’m not the easiest person to read because I’ve always got a guard up, but I honestly just want to feel needed. I just want to make an impact and not feel easily replaceable. I’m as simple as I am complicated.
I, personally, think I’m crazy, but this is who I am… I couldn’t explain it to you because, I can’t even explain it to myself.
Who do I want to be…..? that’s the question… Everything I already am… I just want to be okay with it.
