It’s just a feeling that I have.
I don’t know what to write right now, I just felt the need to put something down. I was at work today and had a weird thought: “I don’t know where I want to be, but I don’t want to be in this body.” I just feel so trapped sometimes and I know it’s my fault. Who else could it be? “You’re your own worse enemy,” that’s what they say and I believe that’s true. Everything I do that makes me unhappy is my choice… every step I take in the wrong direction; every ounce of faith I keep in things I know are never going to happen; every disappointment I keep letting disappoint me. It’s all never ending until I break the chain… and, all of these pretty words are easier said than done, but, you know… I’m just rambling.
All I can tell you right now is that with everyday that passes, it gets harder and harder to remember what it felt like to feel completely fine. I know people talk about missing a piece of themselves, but I feel like I’m missing everything. And, I’m not saying this for sympathy; I never say things to make people feel sorry. I just need to get it out so it doesn’t eat me from the inside.
That just gave me another thought. Maybe if I were to release all of the bad feelings inside of me, it’d reveal what is still good… even with all of the horrible feelings I have, I cannot let myself believe that there isn’t something good still in there…. in here.
