There is a light and it never goes out.
I’m feeling eerily mellowed out, currently. I say “eerily” because I’m usually on edge every day of my life, for one reason or another. But, in these rare moments of clarity, I always try to figure out what makes me feel so at ease: chai tea, face masks, nude nail polish, crocheting, Parachute, fashion magazines… the list is a work in progress.
The way I disconnect from things is something I’ve been thinking about ever since I found the seven journals I’d kept in the past four years. I read them and for the most part, the people and things I’d written about have no significance anymore. If it weren’t for those journals I’d have never remembered how much I cared about some of my past. Maybe it’s my pride that won’t allow anything or anyone have the power to control my emotions. It’s an obvious pattern with me, I’ve come to realize. When something, or someone starts to affect me too much, I just want to let it go… and, for the most part I do, with the very few exceptions.
Reading all of those journals was quite exhausting, to be honest. The past four years have been my most intense, no doubt. I’ve experienced my highest high and my lowest low and anything and everything in between the two. I’ve found myself and lost myself more times to count… but, the craziest part of all has got to be the fact that I wouldn’t change a thing. Everything I did led me to this moment and this moment is a blank canvas, really. I can paint whatever I want from now on. I’d never know as much as I know now if I hadn’t been in the situations I’d been in and, ultimately, I could have turned out a lot worse if I’d never done what I’d done back then.
MAN. but anyway…
So scatter brained twenty-four seven, but I’m alright with that, tonight.
