January 2012
2 posts
I'm afraid that everything will stop working...
I’m really not trying to sound like a nut case or anything….. but, who are we kidding, I always end up sounding like one. I’ve just been feeling really “down” lately and I think that if I write about it, I may feel better. So, where to start?
I don’t even know where to start… I don’t even know where it started… or how it starts, it just does and I can hardly explain how it makes me feel. It...
I'm writing this in the most awkward position...
Literally. Sometimes, lying on the floor and propping your legs against the wall is the only way to go. I haven’t written here is a while; I’ve been pretty lazy… and maybe a little underwhelmed. I’ve had no real urgency to let anything out. I don’t usually have good things to write about, if you hadn’t noticed… I let out things that feel toxic to me;...
November 2011
2 posts
(: - This better be on purpose.
I like it when songs make me sad because they are sad… and not because I am. What a new sensation.
SO. I’ve been very quiet for the past week, or so, I cannot even remember how long it’s been, but I just haven’t been inspired to put my thoughts into words… they haven’t been bothering me. Hold on a second while I go find some wood to knock on…… I do...
October 2011
10 posts
....................................
There’s something about the night, the cold and spending hours with someone that makes you extremely vulnerable, apparently. I had the most intriguing conversation tonight and my mind hasn’t stopped racing since we went our separate ways. What makes you spew your guts like that? How can you feel so comfortable in one moment that you just give yourself away? Without caution…...
“FEARLESS is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me,...”
– Taylor Swift. (via yelhsaparamore)
Forever true. And, it gets more true every day. It’s not about living without fears, it’s about living despite them.
Odd soul.
It’s truly incredible what music does to me… I know everyone says things like that, but maybe it’s true. I know that music treats me better than most people do. It gives me inspiration when everything feels like it’s never going to get better… it sings me to sleep… it gives me the answers. It seriously makes my heart do things it’d never do,...
I'm sorry that I'm so messed up, don't hate me.
This is not going to come out right, I already know. This has been one of the worst weeks I’ve had in a while… why is it that when everything REALLY decides to go wrong, it all happens at once leaving you completely broken down at the end? I feel completely run down and I feel like I can’t tell anyone about it. I just feel so tired… and I feel bad for feeling that way. So...
Your heart is really just a muscle that can’t hold the weight of the world. There’s no work out plan for that one… there will always be something that is too hard to handle, something too heavy for us… maybe that’s why we have legs; to run away. How’s the universe treating you these days? Hopefully the stars are aligning nicely… and hopefully you’re...
September 2011
10 posts
Recycling vintage pieces.
(2008)
Let’s just get to the point.
I tripped then fell for you.
I’m not sure if I should apologize or try to hide.
Hide from you, not from this, because I couldn’t.
I’ve tried.
I’ve tried to throw it away, but it always finds a way
to put you on my mind, and, I’m sorry,
because I think about you all the time.
I’ve tried to convince myself I...
Who am I after this?
Dear you,
This is all I do… write elaborate explanations of this thing driving me crazy and pondering why it does, just to delete every word and correct it to something a little simpler; something that implies that it doesn’t bother me as much as it really does. I don’t know where this is coming from but I feel like I need to tell you that this may be getting out of...
Misery.
I just like to pretend that it’s as hard for you as it is for me; that’s where I go wrong and that’s what keeps me holding on.
“The world is ours, if you want it; we can take it if you just take my hand. There’s no turning back now, baby, try to understand. Don’t wanna break your heart; wanna give your heart a break. I know you’re scared it’s wrong, like you might make a mistake. There’s just one life to live and there’s no time to wait, to waste, so let me give your heart a...
This song has been on repeat for a good hour now....
It's just a feeling that I have.
I don’t know what to write right now, I just felt the need to put something down. I was at work today and had a weird thought: “I don’t know where I want to be, but I don’t want to be in this body.” I just feel so trapped sometimes and I know it’s my fault. Who else could it be? “You’re your own worse enemy,” that’s what they say and I...
7 tags
There is a light and it never goes out.
I’m feeling eerily mellowed out, currently. I say “eerily” because I’m usually on edge every day of my life, for one reason or another. But, in these rare moments of clarity, I always try to figure out what makes me feel so at ease: chai tea, face masks, nude nail polish, crocheting, Parachute, fashion magazines… the list is a work in progress.
The way I disconnect...
Nevermind.
I had to delete that last post…
I’m just frustrated with the way I always feel.
You know that saying, “insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”?
Well, I’m insane. I need to change. Reading my old journals, I realized that the only things different are the names and the places. I’m still not good enough, living in a...
August 2011
14 posts
I Can't Even Lie, It Doesn't Feel As Wrong As I...
Dear You,
You don’t know what you’ve done to me and you don’t know what you’re doing to me as we speak… every time we speak. I don’t think you ever will. When it comes to you, the less you know about me, the better. You make me feel overly insecure as it is. I cannot compete with whatever it is you have that keeps me a secret. I could never measure...
I feel like I'm letting go.
Because I don’t know if I can be me while holding on. I’m having a hard time trying to continue to feel okay with being someone for someone else. I want to be me… I just want to be me… that’s it. I’m over everything else.
I’ve felt so disconnected lately… in the sense that I don’t want to bother with things that I honestly don’t care...
So, we'll crawl 'til we can walk again.
So, okay.
I had this very extravagant post typed out describing a current change of events; a current change of mind, but, that was so conveniently deleted. Now, I’m left with zero drive to recreate it, so, I’m just going to be straight forward; something I am less than familiar with.
I have been denying myself of a lot, lately. I cannot tell you how imprisoned I feel inside of my...
Of all the people in the world, I'm merely a...
You can’t even imagine how insecure that makes me feel. I feel completely unreal.
You know, I feel like a figment of my own imagination most of the time, as well, so, who can I honestly be mad at? What kind of complex is that? To feel like I’m a million different people… and not one of them can do anything for you… I just don’t know what my deal is… I never...
Now that you're home won't you rescue me? I've...
I hate that I resent you… but, tonight, I really can’t help it. This has been feeling too familiar.
Just another thought.
Honestly, though… I wonder if all of the words I talk myself out of would have really made as big of an impact as I always imagine… I use my “backspace” key as if it’s saving the world…
One day, I’ll say whatever comes to mind first, but until then… (I deleted the rest of this sentence.)
Just one more thing not right with me.
And, I would tell you all about it, but I don’t want you to take this away from me… Not yet, anyway.
So, on second thought, I don’t want to say.
I don't know what I need but I need it now.
I feel so different all of the time… does everyone feel that way? Sometimes, I just wish I could spill everything out to someone…. anyone….. I can’t picture myself ever feeling that safe. What will people think? I always feel attacked by thoughts… no matter what is being said. Do people ever say what they really think? I’m too paranoid to believe the answer is...
Sometimes, i just think I'm cursed.
….. because, I don’t know what else it could be.
I usually just sleep it off.
Sometimes, I just can’t help it…. although, I’d never, EVER let you know that. There are restless nights, like this one, when the perfect song comes on at the perfect time, and I just can’t help thinking of how it would be if you were in love with me. I know that’s crazy… but, I like what I see. I just have these moments of bravery (or insanity) where I feel...
July 2011
9 posts
I was okay.
Now, I feel like I’m losing something I never had in the first place. Makes me feel even further and further away from everything. I’m tired of being so patient, but this is all that keeps me connected. I’m not confident enough to let it go because I know it will just float away… I’m always holding on to things that are better off without me. I don’t know where...
Generally speaking.
I hate this feeling…. it sucks… but, it feels better than dying, I bet.
I worked on this for a good hour… what’s that say about me?
More than I ever will. Don’t get me wrong, I say a lot…. but, then again, I’m always just “generally speaking”.
If it's change you want then, it's change you've...
Change. It’s easy to wish for but hard to accept when it’s not what you wanted it to be. Sometimes, I wish I could change things back…. now that I know how it feels to be here and now. I wish I could have appreciated the things I had because I’m realizing that I’m kind of lost now.
I don’t know what I want to say right now, but I need to say a lot. It’s...
Parachute- All That I Am
I feel like this song...
My mind works harder when I sleep.
Dreams are very cruel sometimes. Sometimes, they are so wild it’s almost offensive that your mind is capable of such trickery. You have a dream that is all you ever wanted in your waking life, just to wake up feeling further from it. My dreams are always doing this to me, though… I know they happen for reasons, but I don’t know what to do with them. Everything I dream is too...
yelhsaparamore asked: Oh hai.
I think we're best friends or something. [;
You should follow me back, yes?
I think we're best friends or something. [;
You should follow me back, yes?
We're looking for each other in different...
That defeats the purpose of being us, doesn’t it? Either way, I pray you find what you’re looking for.
Is this my courage or my cowardice? I can’t tell the difference… but, I wish I could. Stripped down to the core it just feels like another favor… I’m too much to deal with, this is always for the best.
But, do you want to know a secret? I’d fight for...
June 2011
20 posts
I'm in love with anything that cannot love me...
I want to write something… but, every time the song changes, so do my feelings. I wonder if that happens to everyone. Anyway, I don’t have anything I’d specifically like to share, but I’ll beat around and around until I start to embarrass myself with how much sense I do not make… I’m already feeling that way.
Maybe I won’t say anything much, after...
Dead, but still trying. Maybe I'll always try.
It’s hard to stop wanting something you’ve wanted for so long… how can you bring yourself to just cut it loose? This has been on my mind lately. I’ve been having this debate in my mind, on whether or not we should stop wanting these things at all. Why don’t we deserve them? Maybe this is me making excuses so I don’t feel like I need to let certain things...
15 Day Challenge - Day 15
1 Thing I Need To Say
( Yeah, this is late… but, I wanted to be level headed and honest when I wrote this one.)
I’m always curious to know what people think about me… how they perceive me and what not, but really, I know who I am and who I want to be. I feel like I come off as a million different people, but every personality is mine. That sounds extremely insane, but I...