Midnight Writes and Wrongs

Sometimes things just can't be described..... but, we try anyway and mess everything up. This is just another poor attempt.

I’m afraid that everything will stop working…

I’m really not trying to sound like a nut case or anything….. but, who are we kidding, I always end up sounding like one. I’ve just been feeling really “down” lately and I think that if I write about it, I may feel better. So, where to start?

I don’t even know where to start… I don’t even know where it started… or how it starts, it just does and I can hardly explain how it makes me feel. It just makes me feel numb to everything. I feel like I’m in a world full of people but not a part of it; I’m an outsider. I watch all of these things happen and couldn’t possibly imagine myself being a part of it. It’s like I have no significance… and I know everyone I know would say I’m crazy, and I’m sure they’re right. I just can’t bring myself to believe them all of the time. I get trapped in this bubble; literally trapped in my mind and I just think about everything I don’t want to think about.. I didn’t used to be this afraid but I wish I knew what flipped the switch so I could turn it back off. 

Do you ever feel trapped within yourself? Maybe that’s a crazy question… You know what else is crazy? The fact that I haven’t felt “normal” in so long. I guess I’m just overwhelmed… the faith I have that “tomorrow will be better” is slowly slipping away and that’s the only real thing I have to hold onto…. faith. 

I will be okay, though… even if I can’t do it alone this time.

I’m writing this in the most awkward position…

Literally. Sometimes, lying on the floor and propping your legs against the wall is the only way to go. I haven’t written here is a while; I’ve been pretty lazy… and maybe a little underwhelmed. I’ve had no real urgency to let anything out. I don’t usually have good things to write about, if you hadn’t noticed… I let out things that feel toxic to me; things I know I shouldn’t be feeling but can’t stop myself from doing so. But, for once, I come with something healthy; something that is trying everything in it’s power to unleash the real me. It’s making me feel real again… it’s kind of hard to explain to anyone who has never felt hallow or as if their insides were numb.

It’s definitely strange for me to not be able to talk myself out of something… and actually do what I REALLY want to do, but there is something about this that gives me no choice. I can’t deny it because it won’t let me. And, this is all making me think just how simple life is probably meant to be. Every time I’ve constantly thought about something, it has turned out wrong… when things are yours without a doubt, you won’t have to think it through… you won’t have to think at all. It will just be.

ANYWAYYY……

I really do love red hair. And telling people what I like about them. And flowers. And people who do things “just because”. And the butterflies you feel in your stomach when you see something surprising. And when people blush. I’m even starting to like those awkward silences… that aren’t as awkward after all. (:

We meet so many people on a daily basis…. it’s crazy who sticks out, isn’t it?

Okay, I’m gonna go now. :x

“Let’s dance to Joy Division and raise our glass to the ceiling ‘cause this could all go so wrong, but we’re so happy.”

(: - This better be on purpose.

I like it when songs make me sad because they are sad… and not because I am. What a new sensation.

SO. I’ve been very quiet for the past week, or so, I cannot even remember how long it’s been, but I just haven’t been inspired to put my thoughts into words… they haven’t been bothering me. Hold on a second while I go find some wood to knock on…… I do have something to think about aloud tonight, however. Ready for it?

I’m attracted to things that are broken, I just want to fix everything, but it makes me so tired, more now than it ever did. I’ve always been the “light” to people, staying positive for the ones around me, but I need a light of my own, now. I think I need someone to fix me… well, “fix” sounds like such a job. Maybe, I just need an energy source to plug myself into to get a little charge going. I need someone to remind me of how good it feels to run in the rain and be crazy in public; to let my hair down and forget who is watching. I need someone to make me sing with them and show me that what I am is all I need to be.

I’ve never wanted something I’ve needed, before.

::rips hair out::

LOL. I need to accept it before this blog becomes a deep, dark pit of depression once again.

You know that part of your brain that never lets you be completely confident? Anyone know where the switch to turn that off, is? Or do I just have to be clumsy? I get more and more cautious by the minute… but, even these thoughts are out of character because my mind definitely says, “no”… but my heart just wants to stop fighting and surrender. I think I’m just tired of not getting what I want… if I want what I need there is no let down because you always get what you need.

I’m on such a MuteMath kick, it’s not even funny. This is my all time favorite song by them…. well, along with “Break The Same”, “Odds”, and now, “Equals”. I’m kind of convinced that they are my soul band. If my soul were a band, it would sound just like this, not even kidding.

Such a good song. I’ll never get over this one.

“We never should allow another sun to set on all the words that we have held so long. I know we’d rather sort it out once tomorrow comes, but tomorrow already happened.”

………………………………

There’s something about the night, the cold and spending hours with someone that makes you extremely vulnerable, apparently. I had the most intriguing conversation tonight and my mind hasn’t stopped racing since we went our separate ways. What makes you spew your guts like that? How can you feel so comfortable in one moment that you just give yourself away? Without caution… without hesitation? But, even more so, without regret…? Two people, unknowingly connected by the hurts of the world until one of them asks the right question, it’s mind blowing.

Another thing that got me thinking is the fact that everyone thinks they know everyone, but, that’s not the case. When the truth pieces together like a puzzle, everything makes sense… you see everything clearly. There are reasons behind every single thing that someone does… and, until you know those reasons, you don’t know anything at all.

ANYWAY.

That definitely didn’t stop my mind from racing, but it will help me out for now.

FEARLESS is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before. FEARLESS is walking into your freshman year at fifteen. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again.. even though everytime you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. It’s FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even though you can’t breathe without them. I think it’s FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he’s in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, I think it’s FEARLESS to stop believing them, It’s FEARLESS to say “you’re NOT sorry” and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is FEARLESS. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS. Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright.. that’s FEARLESS too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That’s why I write these songs. Because I think love is FEARLESS.

—

Taylor Swift. (via yelhsaparamore)

Forever true. And, it gets more true every day. It’s not about living without fears, it’s about living despite them.

Odd soul.

It’s truly incredible what music does to me… I know everyone says things like that, but maybe it’s true. I know that music treats me better than most people do. It gives me inspiration when everything feels like it’s never going to get better… it sings me to sleep… it gives me the answers. It seriously makes my heart do things it’d never do, otherwise… anyway, it was just an observation I’d made.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately which is usually a horrible thing, but I’ve been thinking like I used to think… just thinking about me, analyzing my insides as if they do not belong to me and I came to the conclusion that I need to be perfect. Well, I feel like I need to be perfect for my world to be in order. There is this person inside of my head that I’m striving to be and I’ve never been her one day of my life. The truth is, I don’t even want to be that person… I’m vain, I don’t say what I want, I don’t do what I want and I end up regretting the things I do actually do for myself. That’s never what I wanted. I don’t even know who I’m trying to impress, the world could care less about the things I do. You know what I want to do? I want to walk out of the house with no makeup, my hair pulled into a ponytail wearing a pair of jeans and a band t-shirt. I want to tell people to “shut up” when they comment on how much they hate my favorite band and give my opinions with firm belief. I just want to be fine with being imperfect; I want to be fine with the gap between my two front teeth and my big nose… the way I get so excited for absolutely no reason and talk way too much about anything and everything. I want to be okay with my ridiculously loud and unnecessary fits of laughter and I want to sing whenever I feel like it, no matter where I am… things like that, but where does a person like me start? I’ll figure it out.